Dribble

I read Raymi's blog and I wanna be like her. I want to be able to let go with my writing. Fuck carefully constructed sentences, punctuation and capitalization--I want to live vicariously through my writing.

Ok, how weird is this... Tom and I are driving home from work and he's talking about his throat hurting and what made it worse, and you know what word he used for "made it worse"? Exacorbate.. however you spell that. C'mon, English is my only language and I've never used that word. English is his third language. Sniff.

See? It's starting out slowly, but I'm slowly writing more and more and all this babble is just falling out of me like runny diarhea and the more I write the more I have to say. Everything loosens up and my blog looks like it's being written on by 5 different people.

And I realize that i'm starting to reveal a lot of myself on this blog. I wanted to keep it really anonymous; my other blog was read by my brothers, etc. and wasn't freeing enough. And I had people who wanted bad things to happen to me, and who tried to do bad things to me reading it. They wuldn't comment but I knew they were out there, reading, waiting for something bad to happen to me, hoping something bad would happen to me, and I said fuck that.

Soooo.... shit. I have three minutes to pitch an idea for a book I wanna publish to an ex-classmate/small publisher I know.... doo doo dooo

so while I'm doing that, I have another confession: I've been bad. But so has Tom. Ok. I've had a lot more sex than he has. But that's not necessarily, looking back on it, a good thing. Because he has had fewer sexual partners than me, but he is so much more tender than ANY of them. A lot of them were like "pump pump squirrrrrrrrrrt", one even didn't change his FACIAL EXPRESSION when he came. pfft. But with Tom I like to know that we've never had "sex" we've never just "scratched the itch". There is always a lot of affiinity there when we make love, and he's gentle. always gentle.

but lately we have not been intimate much--it's been almost a week now. he's horny, i know, but i don't feel right in doing it. i don't feel enough love, I guess. I dont want to just "Screw him till he comes". that's not right. but my love-o-meter is pretty empty. i'm very closed up right now and battling with the decision i have to make because he put it back to me when i asked if he'd chose drugs over me. he asked if i'd leave him becuase of drugs.

i hate that.

so back to being bad, i found this site over at JaG's. and there were a number of times when tom was out that i'd nip over to that site and check out the free samples... and get off. and I'm not bi. i'm a straight girl in a straight up relationship with a GUY. but i found my thoughts shifting that way, and that definitely isn't healthy for my relationship.

(Buy this book.. I am.)

And I never used to masturbate--it wasn't till I saw that site that I could even get myself off. And now I get off watching other girls get off. To me that's not good. maybe if i was alone and single, yeah. But i'm with a guy, and i feel like i should share. i feel guilty doing that and then our sex life is lax because i already did the deed myself. and when i was away on the weekend he did the deed himself, twice.

and we NEVER used to masturbate. weird for a guy, right? well i jumped him at least once a day so i guess he didn't realy have TIME, but the point is....

i shouldn't be doing that. so even though i'm home alone and its so easy to go there and do that, i'm not going to.

i want to be responsible and lead a good life a successful life and make a difference but i also want to go a bit nuts.

here's how the convo just finished (i'm Dream):

Dream says:
hey hey hey

|) says:
guess what i'm watching

Dream says:
ummmm hockey?

|) says:
space 1999

|) says:
old sci fi

Dream says:
cool.

|) says:
it's hilarious!

Dream says:
i'm not much of a scifier....
hey are you still working on a publishing house?

|) says:
ongoing - wuzup

Dream says:
poetreeeee

Dream says:
and stuff

|) says:
i'm studying william blake (take that!)

|) says:
8-O

Dream says:
ouch! you got me.... *falls over slowly, defying gravity*

|) says:
pitch me your idea you have 3 minutes

Dream says:
whaty whaty?

Dream says:
um um um....

%% says:
it's like pitching a novel, or a screenplay.

%% says:
well

Dream says:
poetry, pics, a few very short stories... ones that all come from me, no school assignments or carefully constructed concrete blocks of type. but nothing careless or messy either. just me. in words. the essence of me.

Dream says:
subject matter is a lot of dealing with tough stuff, and battling negative emotions.

Dream says:
but also just being alive and experiencing other people

%% says:
okay. happy ending? (the tough question)

Dream says:
yes. because I know I'm going to be okay. i believe in myself enough to know that.

Dream says:
bouncing back, rising above wil be at the end i guess

%% says:
in terms of the narrative. how would you describe the work (ooh, another hard question)

Dream says:
narrative? well it wouldn't be a novel. ....

Dream says:
it would be a collection of works, strung together by something intangible, but good.

Dream says:
i can feel what it would be, but i can't describe it.

%% says:
as in - first person. is it more internal than external?

Dream says:
if i had material that joined my poems/pics etc together, it would be third person.. reflection, i think. internal or external of what?

%% says:
there's some poetry that is all on the surface: description of rooms, activities - what we see. but then there's poetry that's all internal, emotion, inner dialogue. then there's the balance - like sylvia plath talking about her daddy but describing snails on her skin (wow)

Dream says:
...

Dream says:
I think i have both, but mostly my poetry is about a connection i have with another person, physical sometimes but often how i'm feeling inside, what's going on in my head... nothing near as impressive as sylvia plath tho.

%% says:
ok. so it's relationship - say, that inner voice and the description of the outside.

%% says:
i'm trying to get a feel of the pub

%% says:
how would you define your style, particularily the visual style?

%% says:
myself, i tend to go for fantastical settings, etc. but you - how would you describe your style? you mentioned earlier "the essence" ...

Dream says:
i'm dark and light

Dream says:
ummm..

Dream says:
i think visuals would have yet to be discovered because i'd be following the train of mind of the work that was going along with the visuals... it would have to be me-ish i guess, to fit.

%% says:
give me a me-ish statement. something like: "I use dark and light in order to create parallels in my work." You know - that critical read of the work. I suppose you could let me analyze it - but I'd like to hear it from you. I suppose in a sense it is the exploration of the self. Myself, I have a very clear agenda in my work - and reasons why i'm using what i am. what is your intention. your dark and light -

Dream says:
There are dark times when my mind slips free and a style comes out that can't and won't when i'm doing all right and going through the day to day routine.... and through it all i'm still trying to be positive.--i dont know. i think it would be too much of a contrast. i guess i'd like to explore impressions of people around me, effects they have on me, how i perceive them-that sounds boring...

Dream says:
i can't put it to words yet. i dont know enough about it all, or myself, yet.

%% says:
gotta - or at least fake it til you make it

%% says:
so

Dream says:
so

Dream says:
my poems aren't the kind that i spend days fiddling with this word or that. they come out and their pretty much done. i can't go back when i'm not in that mind frame yet. nad i seem to have a lot of mind frames

Dream says:
i guess it's a reflection of who i was/am at that instant

Dream says:
snapshots of a being

%% says:
then would you say that your poetry is in responce to the "wasteland" - a negative world. your work is attempting to find something better, and to make sense of what seems... mind frames is good (descript)

Dream says:
a lot of my work is more a reaction to /reflection upon people i see/meet/hear/touch

Dream says:
i'm not attempting to find something better in my writing, more like verbal snapshots

Dream says:
of

Dream says:
moments

%% says:
aha. responces

Dream says:
reactions/impressions = responses

Dream says:
?

%% says:
hmm. i'm going to go brood. shall we chat later?

Dream says:
ok