Crooked paths followed

It would be good to lead a life with no regrets. My life has been full of odd turns and twisted angles, venturing off on paths that didn't lead anywhere. I wonder if I was meant to keep to the straight and narrow laid out for me in my childhood. I wasn't forced to pick any particular path, rather allowed to wander, though sometimes I pushed down a particular path too hard and caused them grief, lost their trust...

They packed up an entire family, 2 livelihoods and left countless friends behind to move thousands of miles to the other side of this continent so that my brothers and I could attend a middle/high school that was to them (and I agree) one of the best around.

And I dropped out.

I stayed just long enough to participate in three years' of varsity sports. I fell in love with Sam in my junior (3rd) year, and got dumped early in my 4th year. When he left me, I decided I didn't have a good reason to be in school anymore, and left at the end of that year.

The only part of school that interested me was reading and writing (and of course, sports). I played Varsity basketball and softball and excelled in my own little parts of each game; led the basketball team in points the year Sam was at my side, and, despite being the smallest on the softball team, boggled other coaches with my arm. Once, a girl took off home from third after I caught a pop fly, and I threw her out--from mid-centre field.

I dawdled in a community college for two years, earning a 2-year Associate degree. Even though I'd not made it far in the private high school, I aced both the reading and writing comprehension sections of the college entrance tests; something the registrar had not seen before. The classes were not challenging, but some were fun. I took 15-18 credits per term and enjoyed being able to pick the classes I wanted to take--geology, economics, and as many English courses as I could. I made a game of getting all As in the two year period, and almost succeeded--I got two Bs amid all the As.

I graduated, couldn't find a college program that interested me near where I lived, and refused to go to a university where my parents would have to fork out large amounts of money for me to sit in lectures for the next two years.

Then September 11th hit and, due to complications arising from it, I was moved forcibly 350 miles north of my family... on my own for the first time. It was almost 2 months before I was able to see them again.

During this time I was dating RobertO (we'd met in college, he'd tutored me through an algebra class to an A grade), who lived scant minutes from my parents. He dutifully drove the distance to visit me each month, so we could spend more time together than if I went south and had to split my time between him and my folks.

We'd only been together 3 months when I got moved, and, within 7 we were engaged. Then things started going downhill. He used the religion I was raised with as an excuse. Even though he knew my parents, knew me, he'd read all the sites on the internet like this one. I couldn't fight that kind of evil, though I tried for 6 months. He told me out right he felt I wasn't a "safe" person to be with.

He called off the engagement during his last trip North.

I broke up with him via email a few weeks later, then decided to drive down and talk to him one last time.

Before I knew RobertO, I'd met lost_boy online and in person, much to the horror of my parents. On the final drive to see RobertO, I stopped first to see lost_boy.

He seduced me. We walked around a golf course and his touch was like fire. I'd never felt anything like that from a touch before. Of course, we'd known each other for almost 2 years and seen each other maybe twice. This was the first time I was really touchable. We hugged in his truck and then we kissed. It was like a kiss you'd read about in a Nora Roberts novel. I was spiralling into a new reality. Him. He was all that I could see, all I could taste. I was on fire from head to toe.

I talked with RobertO for the last time that night, with lost_boy's kisses still hot on my mouth. I talked for over 4 hours, kissed his arm once and he wouldn't budge. He was crying, but irreversibly changed. I went to him and bumped my head into his chest. We held each other tightly, knowing we'd both just lost each other. I walked to my car, he called after me.

Don't you believe I still love you?

I shook my head and drove off. I mourned openly for about 10 minutes and locked it all away.

A year later I was able to write about it:

Good ol’ small town america (from the inside)

Trip into me through shades of gray, diluting love my heart did beat out of
time
in rural high-unemployment teen-pregnancy epidemicked slow-moving
goingnowhereville as
high school freshmen share sisters… free depo fills veins… shaven lips part slick
tongueless mouth swallows
slip through high school high pick your poison squashed between street and
sky
as trailer park future closes in wetback pimps prowl in shiny shirts and cowboy
boots
I could have stayed (trapped) in this everything-as-it-always-has-been-with-nothing-ever-changing ungrowingup world
But this rampant heart skips out, leaving one blue-eyed, narrow-minded, destined-for-emptiness boy behind

Two weeks later, lost_boy drove the distance to stay with me for three days. That was my first experience being with someone without being considered their girlfriend:

Through darkness come twin lights

Relieved you’re here but our word
Trepidacious my head is screaming
I bolt down the stairs, the hall, the lane, led by my heart
As my head fights to slow me down
I see you first, in darkness, as you reach to the stars
My slippers scuff the road and you grin—will it free me
Or enchain me—
My heart pulls me it would have pulled me
Right inside you and through you but I stop
As our belly buttons meet and your arms coil
I’m lost I’m found as my heart
Shatters my mind—victory
Melting against you as you
Love me to

Into my room nowhere for me to hide
Can’t go back my heart, a train
Never been with you and
A bed
Lying down you are leaning over me
Now
We can gaze see through each other at least
You through me
I see blue my heart screams love

Explosion fireworks tension release as you
Lean close for a touch a touch to start it all spark to tinder
I am consumed
Flame heat roaring in my ears
My heart is straining to break through my ribs
Not enough that we are together, it
Wants to be inside of you—let me meet his heart
Arching my body against you
Remnants of my mind whimper knowing I’ll be
Taken
Feeble no but you and I say yes
No words more than words the soft new touches
Large adult hands roaming skilled seeking hidden spots
Child hands lie still
Tentatively touch warm love above palms to ribs is enough
Danger the heat sparks racing up my arms heart full to bursting
Kiss after kiss I’m drowning into you

After lost_boy left, he didn't want any more to do with me. I was beyond heartbreak. I'd lost someone I loved and someone who taught me what it meant to be touched in the space of 3 weeks.

I turned to a classmate(I was in a writing program at this time)--our connection was stronger than any "friendly" connection I'd felt before. He eventually heard the story of lost_boy, and I let him read my poems. That started half a month of the needy shadowed part of me driving to his rented condo every night, studying and doing almost anything he wanted to.... while wracked with grief and guilt. What if my mom found out? I was a horrible daughter. I was a tramp, a promiscuous flake.

2 1/2 weeks later I left one morning, and never went back. He turned nasty. I turned nastier. He played head games, I met another guy the same day I left him.

I slept on dirty sheets for a few months and moved on again, to someone who turned out to be a total sex freak. He did things to me I thought I'd never let anyone do to me.

I felt like all of this was better than being alone.

9 months later I met Tomek. I was honest about my up-down-up past few years, and it freaked him out. I found out about his pot smoking and that freaked me out.

Graduation from college loomed up last year, and I chose the final weeks of the program to distribute, as a class assignment, a long feature on acquaintance rape. I mentioned no names, gave no time or physical description, but within 48 hours of turning that piece in, I was at the local police station.

The guy who had been a good-friend-gone-bad had gone to our program coordinator... and to the cops over what I'd written.

The coordinator was very "disappointed" in me, as was the writing instructor. I was called into a meeting with both of them after they'd both read it and heard his side of the story. I walked out of the meeting having weakly (and wrongly) admitted what I did was wrong.

I don't believe that.

But I didn't want to be expelled.

The cops were on my side--to this day I still have the business card of the cop who spoke to me over the incident.

The guy threatened to take me to court, but it never happened. I had a tentative lawyer agreement just in case.

Instead, nasty words were posted online about me, criticizing my piece and myself. Pages and pages and pages... I was ex-communicated by the majority of the class. A few true friends stayed close to me, protected me, hugged me.

Tomek stuck close by me through this all, waiting outside of my classroom after class, bringing me flowers, and being a strength that I didn't have within myself.

I successfully graduated and keep the piece on acquaintance rape in my writing portfolio--to this day I believe it's the strongest piece I have written.

I made the error of letting my parents read it though... being honest, but at the same time inflicting more pain on them than they ever could have on each other.

A little over a year later and here I am... in my first "real" full-time job, and not really happy with it. Administration. Not my cup of tea... still.... for now it's bringing in money.

But I have dreams of turning around the public school system and/or having my own tutoring centre that will give all kids the opportunity to fully understand what they are learning. That's something I think is unavailable in the current system, and cannot persist.

Can bringing good to others' lives and education make up for the pain and hurt I've caused? Is repentance around the corner? Or revenge?

* * *

Thanks to Shenry for this weeks Shenright, which prompted this little release.