Where passions lie

I’ve been in a knot about my future for a few years now. I finished school when I completed a 2-year college writing program. I left feeling more uninspired than when I began…and since then have written nothing of any consequence or importance.

So now I find myself in a day to day job, paying bills comfortably and managing to save a bit each month, renting a decent one-bedroom apartment with my boyfriend of over a year… but it’s not enough. And I don’t imagine it’s enough for anyone. I know Tom has dreams beyond where he is now, and my dreams seem to spin off in opposite directions and at varying speeds and with fluctuating interest.

Here I am, in my mid-twenties, still convinced that I want to make a difference in the world, but I’ve yet to get started. I have what looks to be a glowing opportunity, but I know the person I’d be dealing with—and I don’t think she’s dependable. Despite that, she’s started her own school, recently got married, and is already expecting her first child. And she’s at least 2 years younger than I am. The combination of jealousy and mistrust keeps me away.

I believe education is where I want to make my difference. I keep hearing about how many mental disorders are popping up all over the place. Teen violence splashes the news on a nearly daily basis, and more and more it’s seeming like the public school system is shuffling kids resentfully through grades with or without a full grasp of what they’ve been taught. And too often these kids emerge with no direction, no inspiration, no thought to what they want their future to be. I’m sure they think of money, and of having things and of being somewhere… but where?

I was fortunate enough to attend a boarding school in the states that was the polar opposite of what is happening in public schools here. A lot of my work was done through independent study, but I received guidance on how to study effectively, getting the most out of each section of a subject I studied, and emerged with a solid understanding of that part of the subject. Practical application was a large part of my studies, as was reading books: fiction, non-fiction, biography… reading filled the first hour and a half of our school day. Add to this a healthy dose of responsibility for one’s self and others, leadership,and integrity, and those that graduated were miles ahead of most public students.

That said, the abovementioned girl has started up a similar school—right in my area. I’ve believed, since tutoring while in college, that my interests lay more in private tutoring. But now, I find myself unsatisfied and as if I’m not doing enough to help others. Yet I’m picky about who I help; recently a woman called me for help with an essay she wrote for a class she is taking through independent learning. She asked if I’d read the book she’d written the essay on and I said no, and she wanted me to read the book before we met. I told her I knew how to write an essay and I could help her form her ideas more clearly. I am not going to put words in anyone’s mouth, so if I got more from the book than she did that was her loss. If she wanted help reading the book and understanding it, I could help with that, but I wasn’t going to do anything that would make me feel I was cheating. And she made me feel like the only way I’d really help her was by doing things that I didn’t feel were fair. So I’ve been putting off helping her and saying I’m too busy, and the whole situation is really discouraging.

I have dreams of having my own tutoring centre, but there are TONS in this area and I don’t know how I’d stand out, other than I offer a different method of help than other centres. I thought by being affiliated with a school I’d have more clout, but now I’m not sure I want that affiliation. Jealousy mostly is the root of that, I know.

Hell, even Britney Spears is pregnant… what about me?

I’m building a web site as an education resource for parents, but how much will that do, really?

I feel like there is nothing I can do that will bring me any satisfaction. The only thing that makes me happy is bringing Tom and my family happiness.

I feel lost....