Tom and I saw Episode III in the theatre last night. I knew it was going to end in a very dark place, I knew it had to. And for that reason I was dreading having to sit through it.
I associate too closely with characters in movies. Often, I just don't want a particular character to die, and then they get blasted to bits and I take it personally and crumble. During Episode III, however, I found myself relating very closely to one of the characters, understanding their decisions, their reasoning, their fear and anger.
I had thought I would relate to Padme, but I was wrong.
When Yoda told Anakin that death was a natural part of life and that he shouldn't miss those he loves or mourn for them when they are gone, my head was screaming No!
When Anakin told Padme that he couldn't lose her, I was looking at Tom, tears were in my eyes too, I was filled with the dark hollowness that I imagine would come with losing someone I can't bear to think of being without.
I've known for a long time that I will feel incapacitated if I ever lose any member of my family, or the man I love so dearly.
And I suppose that is part of my draw to the church--I hope there is something I can do to help myself overcome my overwhelming fear of death.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Relating to a Sith
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5 comments:
I used to be scared of death - I think it's natural to fear the unknown.
But, now that I've had my brother go & yet I can still feel him, I find my beliefs of what happens when you die change. I used to think that when you died, lights went out and that was it - Game over. Now I could very well be creating an existance for my brother, but if I can FEEL him so strongly, I can't help but believe there's something more.
And with knowing that, death isn't so scary. I know Joel will be there waiting for me, and I am in a way looking forward to being reunited with him.
Now, having my brother die (and countless relatives, and a few good friends) is a high price to pay for getting over my fear. . . But if my beliefs are right for me, then death will be just like one big family reunion, and that's gotta be an okay thing. . .
Maybe it's just finding the positives in death, as backwards as that sounds, in order to overcome your fear.
It's always the hardest being left behind.
And Anakin didn't fear death for himself, but for his loved ones. I can relate to that. But, despite how some people go (whether narually or not) it IS natural, in that no one is immortal.
And just as much as you fear the death of those you love, they fear it for you. So whether you feel pain at the loss of them, or they feel pain at the loss of you, someone is going to feel pain, regardless.
And I don't think that death is really what is feared, but the pain that comes with it. . . The loss & the emptiness. . .
I don't know how I can help you with this. All I can say is that I'm much more on Yoda's side of this. Up until I had children I thought that I could die and I wasn't afraid of it happening. If it did, so be it. Now that I have kids it is harder because I want them to grow up with a father and I can't imagine another father loving them as much as I do. But again, if I were to die, what could be done about it? Everyone else would have to move on, and I only wish that they would do so with ease and grace and as little hardship as possible.
I don't think I'd ever have the comfort of feeling that all those that had gone before me were waiting for me. I believe in reincarnation...
In fact, what drew me to Tom the most when I first met him was that I would look in his eyes and have the overwhelming sensation that I'd known him before.
And I also feel that my pending reaction to the death of a loved one is going to be far more irrational and is going to crush me more than it would the average person...
But that's all just feeling.
I also have an incredible aversion to violence. I can't watch ANY violence, not even someone getting punched. The sound of flesh hitting flesh in that way makes me cringe.
And these reactions and feelings have led me to believe that there was an incredible amount of pain and violence in one or more of my past lives, and the memories of those happenings are triggered by certain things happening now.
I don't want to sound like a lecturing mama, but I think it's a little narcissistic to assume that you would be "crushed" more than the average person if faced with the death of a loved one. There is nothing worse in life. . And I hope you never have the misfortune of losing someone you love.
The big thing about grief is that we all deal with it differently. When my brother died my mum and I ran the show - We got everything organized for his 2 funerals, we did all the running around, and we got SO many comments on how "strong" we were, and how people were surprised "how well we were holding it together". But we had to be strong in order to take care of things as Joel would have liked. Just because on the outside I appeared to be strong doesn't mean that on the inside I didn't want to die. Keeping busy, being efficient and getting things done is just the way I happen to deal with extreme grief. If someone else cries for days on end, doesn't eat and doesn't sleep - That doesn't mean they are more crushed than the next person - It's just how they grieve.
And if you believe in reincarnation, then you can have comfort in the fact that you will meet them again in your next life.
I am the same way as you with having an aversion to violence. Rally always watches those new boxing shows, etc. and I either have to leave or make him change the channel. I get sympathy pains - Seeing someone else hurt makes me sick to my stomach and gives me physical discomfort.
Have you ever gone to see someone who specializes in reincarnation and past lives? Maybe they could give you some answers, or point you in the right direction if that is an avenue you want to explore . . .
I hope I didn't offend you.
No I'm not offended, but I don't think I was being narcissistic either.
I have not yet lost a loved one, so I have no reality on how it might feel. So the way I expressed my fear may have sounded selfish, but it's because I have no experience, no conscious idea of how much pain I might feel.
And I don't think their is any guarantee that I will meet up with anyone I knew in this life in my next one. I might be in Africa in my next life, and Tom (who doesn't believe in reincarnation anyway) could be in China... I don't know if reincarnation is even limited to this world. Perhaps not.
It does give me some comfort that you can feel your brother--I like the thought of that, a loved one staying close.
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